The Nightmare that is the Study Timetables
by IfEaRnOfIsH
Summary: I'M BACK WITH ANOTHER CROSSOVER! This time, Ron and Harry seek to destory the awful talking time tables they've been landed with, and The Doctor is forced to join in their quest to destory the timetables...WARNING...This fic contiains choas and stupidty.
1. Of Good Manners and Jellyfish

**Disclaimer:**

**GUESS WHAT?! I own nothing.**

**A/N:**

**I return. With a sequel(ish) to my previous Crossover, The Science of Magic. Well…I say sequel(ish). More of a piece of evil drabble that crawled from my head whilst talking to my good friend, Eddie Franco, AKA Brandon. (Who is not to be associated with all the bad words I have just typed.) This thing has been rattling in its cage for a while, and the sound is agitating me, so I have to let it out. **

**Summary:**

**Desperate to rid themselves of the talking study timetables that are screaming at them, Harry and Ron turn to the man with that silver thing that buzzes… Of course, chaos follows in the quest to DESTROY THE TIMETABLES!**

Chapter One: Of Good Manners and Jellyfish

'_Once you've dotted your "i"s and crossed your "t"s, you may do as you please!'_

'JUST SHUT UP, WILL YOU?!'

'Keep it _down_, Ron!'

Ronald Weasly scowled at the vile piece of paper he held in his hand as Harry peered out from behind the pillar they were hiding behind. Numerous students passed them, their shoes making small but annoying clatters on the cobbles in the courtyard, chattering to each other about trivial matters that shouldn't really matter, but do. Things like, "Oh, you'll never guess who asked me out!" and, "Did anyone catch that Muggle soap at the weekend?!"

Ron and Harry weren't really concentrating.

Ron was plotting numerous ways to destroy the hated object that he held tightly in his fist. Many far fetched plots ran riot in his head, each detailing a gruesome end for annoyingly polite timetable. Hermione had probably seen this outcome, and had placed some sort of charm upon the timetables that made them extremely indestructible.

They wouldn't rip; no matter how many times Ron and Harry assaulted them with their wands. (Or teeth, upon one desperate occasion.) They also refused to catch alight, even when Ron and Harry tried to add them to the blazing fires that crackled away under their cauldrons when they thought that Snape wasn't looking. (Of course, he was, and they were both promptly whacked around the head and told on no uncertain terms to "Go away.")

And it also seemed that the squid that resided in the lake didn't really want them that much either.

And so the timetables continued to politely suggest that Ron and Harry should do some extra studying. Harry's could be clearly heard from the pockets of his robes (Though slightly muffled.), and Ron managed to drown his out with an angry snarl when ever it offered to spell check his homework.

'C'mon…' Harry muttered as the courtyard cleared of hurrying students who needed to get to their lessons on time. 'Where is he?!'

'Do you think that…thing of his can get these things to shut up?' Ron asked hopefully in a low whisper as the black robed students departed the scene.

'Dunno'.' Harry whispered back. 'We've tried everything else.'

'Spose' so.' Ron murmured darkly as he threw his timetable a scowl. 'Bloody Hermione…'

'There he is!' Harry hissed, waving Ron's rising rant down with his hand. Ron shut his mouth quickly and peered around the pillar.

'So _that _tapestry leads out here…and that painting said "Hello!" to me when I walked past it. Aw, I _love _this place!'

'He's a bloody nut job.' Ron mused. Harry hushed him quickly.

The man that they simply knew as "The Doctor." Wondered around the now empty courtyard at his total leisure, looking around him with such an intense curiosity. It was almost as if he was constantly fascinated by _everything_ he saw. His grin seemed to take up most of his face as he strolled here and there, the sides of his long brown coat tucked back behind his hand from where they sat in his pockets. Ron and Harry had deliberated silently how he managed to make a pair of trainers _work _with a pinstriped suit, and neither of them wanted to admit how much they envied him for it.

'You ready Ron?' Harry hissed, never taking his eyes of the Doctor for one moment. Ron nodded feverishly as the pinstripe clad man stopped to study a statue with a thoughtful look on his face.

Harry pulled out the wonderfully silky garment from his robes. It was like water in his hands; it flowed effortlessly with an easy grace.

And its ability to render its wearer (Or _wearers_, on this occasion) completely invisible was very handy in the most difficult of times.

Both Harry and Ron ducked underneath it quickly, and vanished from sight underneath the Invisibility Cloak. They held their breath as they crept out from behind their pillar, wincing every time a stray leaf scuttled beneath their feet. The Doctor didn't seem to notice them; he seemed completely absorbed in the statue that was before him. It was one that often amused the students and staff, for it happened to be of a wizard who had once liked to wear a jellyfish for a hat. The Doctor had his head tilted to one side, as if this prospective would give him a better chance of understanding _why _this wizard had liked wearing a jellyfish as a hat. (It was unknown to him that a curious onlooker before him had tried to look at it upside-down to find the reason why, but only found that if you tried to look at it whilst standing on your head, you just end up looking as silly as the statue itself.)

Ron and Harry crept closer and closer, and their eyes glinted in desperate hope when they saw the sliver item poking out from his pocket. Its gleam beckoned them closer and closer, and Harry reached out a hand from under the cloak to grab it…

But everyone knows that there is a risk that comes hand in hand with the most difficult of tasks. And the risk is this:

Something _will _muck it up.

Both Ron and Harry had forgotten that the timetables liked to talk at the most inconvenient of times. And one of those times was now.

'_If you like to study, I'll be your buddy!' _

Ron swore loudly as the Doctor whipped around faster than the speed of light, tripping over his feet as he took a hasty step backwards. He hissed as his back hit the statue, and his eyes rested on Harry's hand. It floated by itself, its fingertips still frozen from where it had been about to grab the only object that offered them some hope to end the torture that the two boys were being put through. Harry and Ron froze, eyes fixed on the Doctor, whose chest heaved in the sudden rush of it all.

And then he spoke.

'Now _that's _clever.' He stated breathlessly. He still hadn't taken his eyes off the hand which remained stubbornly singular. It was contradicting his already rapidly changing concept of the strange little world he had landed in, and it was beginning to annoy him. Everything was just _too weird_. Trees here didn't seem to like you very much at all, there were birds that had a tendency to set themselves on fire randomly, and now there seemd to be hands that seemed separate from their bodies. (If they had a body in the first place.)

And, through it all, the Doctor had been beginning to _love_ this place. But now it seemed that everything was all about to go horribly wrong.

There was a small silence, and no one dared make a move. A whirl of

frantic thoughts demanded to be listened to in Harry's head, each offering absurd suggestions of how to overcome this _tricky _situation he and Ron had landed in.

Harry picked the one he thought to be the least insane.

'JUMP HIM!' He said in a mad yell. Ron gave a battle cry as they both leapt for the completely defenceless Doctor, the Invisibility Cloak flying from their backs. It fluttered to the ground in a graceful heap as the Doctor was thrown unceremoniously to the ground by two teenagers who were desperate for some peace.

And they went about getting it in a very brutal manner.

'OI! GERROFF' ME!' The Doctor yelled as Ron landed a successful blow to his ribs.

'Sorry mate!' Ron panted in reply. 'We just need some peace!' He yelled apologetically before throwing another successful punch. The Doctor gave an "_oof" _as air rushed from his lungs, and Harry dived upon the opportunity to finally snatch the silver object from his pocket.

'GOT IT RON!' He yelled.

Ron gave a triumphant "YES!" as the two boys scrambled to their feet, and, without one look back, ran for it.

Of course, the timetables were not to be forgotten.

'_If your studies you forget, it will be your biggest regret!'_

'SHUT UP!' Ron and Harry yelled in unison as they disappeared into the maze of corridors. Harry already had the Sonic Screwdriver out in front of him, pressing numerous buttons in attempt to understand the strange little device. It gave numerous bleeps of utter confusion as its settings were scrolled through rapidly. The poor little beeps echoed in the empty corridors as Harry Potter and Ronald Weasly disappeared into the darkest corners they knew. And they didn't pay the wheezing Time Lord one look as they ran.

The Doctor managed to stagger to his knees, one hand holding his chest and the other on the ground, supporting his frame. And in between every gasp of pain, he managed to rattle off every _bad word _he could think of, each of them aimed at teenagers in general.

'ASBOs…_gah!_...hooligans…_unh!_...gonna' do something…_Ow that hurts!_...really bad!'

His eyes fell upon the garment that had been forgotten in the boys' rush to get their pieces of paper to be quiet. It sat there, looking at him.

_Well, do something about it then_. It seemed to say. The Doctor grunted as his hand reached out and snatched it from the ground, and his pain was soon forgotten as he withheld its beauty.

It seemed to be neither liquid nor cloth; it flowed around in his hands with such a majesty that couldn't be rivalled. The Doctor could feel its immense _power _throb in his hands, and it was clear to him that it was an object that could be desired by many.

And he mused that it was probably _very stupid _of the boys to leave it behind without a moment's thought.

The Doctor sat back on his heels and held the cloak up to the light to study it. His hands seemed to disappear within its folds. All that could be seen were the stumps of his wrists.

'_Brilliant_…' He whispered in awe. 'Absolutely _brilliant_!'

A small plot was hatched in his mind, and its contents were so spectacularly clever that he was actually quite proud of himself.

'Well, let's face it.' He voiced his thoughts. 'When am I _not _proud of myself?' He gave a vain sniff in appreciation of his obvious brilliance. 'Aren't I brilliant?' He questioned, looking up for a second opinion. And them remembered painfully that he travelled alone now.

Not even the wind offered him reassurance of how clever he was. An unbidden desire for companionship came into his mind, and when he tried to prod it out of his head, it sat down and crossed its arms, blatantly refusing to budge.

But it would happily give an arm and a leg for Martha's voice to say, _"Oh, get over yourself." _Or for Donna to tell him, _"Shut it, Spaceman."_ In her no-cheek fashion. It would even accept Jack's little, _"I don't know what else you're brilliant at, Doc, but I can guess…" _

But, more than anything, it craved a, _"Yes, Doctor. You're awfully brilliant. __**Now**__ can we go get the Sonic Screwdriver?"_

He saw her in every dream he had; she would burst in on his nightmares and scare the darkness away.

But when she turned around, it wasn't him that she beamed at.

She only offered her winning smile to someone he just couldn't be. No matter how much he wanted it to be so. And then she would be gone…out of his reach…for good.

Unable to bear the pain, he gave the horrible little thought a sharp kick. It grumbled at him and trundled off into a dark corner of his brain.

'Right.' The Doctor said decidedly, getting slowly to his feet and arching his back to rid himself of any other pain that could leap out on him at any given moment. 'I'm going to go and get my Screwdriver back.' He gave himself a firm nod, and with one sweep of his arm, he had completely vanished from sight.

And then the courtyard was empty. But something gave a mad bark of laughter as it relished in its new powers of invisibility.

Until it whacked its shin on the statue of the man wearing a jellyfish. A yelp of pain was followed by some more bad words.

'Note to self…' Something gasped between grunts of pain. 'Just because you're invisible doesn't mean you can walk through things.' It finished sourly, and limped from the courtyard with several mutters under its breath.

**BOO! I'm back! ^^ Don't know how long this one's gonna' last...several chapters or so, I guess. It would be appreciated if people could give me a couple of suggestions of how to destory them; I've got feeding them to the squid, giving them to the Whomping Willow, asking Dumbledore sheepishly, running some tests in the TARDIS and throwing them into the Time Vortex on pieces of string. Any more completely ridiculous ideas? (I'm amusing myself with images of Ten cooing at the squid. Yes, I'm mental. Anyone got a problem with that?)  
This fic is also dedicated to my good friend Brandon Buresh, who is going in for heart surgery soon! Good luck, Brandon! x  
And, I return with my old rule...five reviews = next chapter! **


	2. Of Madness and Inconspicous Screwdrivers

**You people like to review, don't you? So here's the next chapter, after five reviews, as promised. Rating went up for one bad word. S'only one little word. ^^**

Chapter Two – Of Rude Little Demons and Floating Screwdrivers

'_Don't forget potions, with all its bubbles and lotions!' _

'WHY WON'T THIS THING WORK?!'

'I DON'T _KNOW _RON!' Harry yelled angrily over the bleeps that the Sonic Screwdriver emitted as he twisted it and jabbed all its buttons. The piece of paper it was pressed against switched between random suggestions, seeming as confused as the Screwdriver itself.

'_Bubbles…studies…INK POTS!' _It babbled. _'Quills…buddies…SPELL CHECK!' _

'OH COME ON!' Ron shouted, who seemed quite near to pulling his own hair out. Harry jabbed his timetable ruthlessly with the silver device, which was rapidly becoming quite useless.

Now, it is a well known fact that most things can feel pain. _Especially_ when prodded by something sonic. It wasn't obvious to Harry and Ron that this also counted for pieces of enchanted paper.

But this brand new fact made itself quite well known to the boys when the timetable uttered a blood-curling scream. It bounced off the stone walls and floor of the deserted corridor Ron and Harry had found, and rang in their ears. It almost sounded like a shrill little bell that was being rung by a small goblin, which was very high on something _completely _illegal.

'TURN IT OFF!' The broken yell came from the ginger haired huddle on the floor, which had hidden behind a nearby statue. The noise shocked Harry to such a level that he seemed numb…the scream was making his very brain vibrate…it actually began to agitate him slightly.

And it was that agitation that made him throw the two items away from him with an angry shout. The dreadful scream came to an abrupt halt as it was caught by the wind that dawdled in the corridors. The wind seemed to pity the poor, polite timetable, which was obviously completely innocent in all this. It was only trying to get two boys to study, after all. So the wind cradled it and gently laid it to rest on the stone floor.

And it was quite obvious that the wind didn't like the Sonic Screwdriver very much at all.

The poor device skittered across the stone, often sparking randomly in places as its metal screeched in pain. It rolled to a final halt, maybe a metre away from the two boys.

Harry stood in the corridor, chest heaving and his fists clenched by his sides, his eyes glued firmly onto the timetable. Ron even removed his head from his hands to peer around the statue with a fearful look.

The timetable seemed to be deciding whether or not it wanted to go through with all _that _again. If timetables do have the power to deliberate on choices such as these.

Everyone watched with baited breath. Maybe even Hogwarts watched. It seemed that way; the silence was _very _silent.

But this timetable had been instructed by the strict wand patterns of Hermione Granger, the cleverest student that the corridors of Hogwarts had seen in a while.

And it just so happened that Harry and Ron were blessed with her endless persistence in getting them study. And she was _not _to be outdone. Not even by Time Lord technology.

And so the timetable remained stubbornly faithful.

'_If my help you refuse, a study-buddy you will loose!' _It informed them. It was so cheerful, it almost seemed smug.

And it was that smugness that finally pushed Ron over the edge of reason. It was that light little shove that sent him toppling over the edge of sanity and into the deep dark pit that was (Obviously) Insanity.

And when he looked at the timetable that lay stationary on the floor, he saw a little demon with horns through his rapidly deteriorating vision. (His sight was beginning to turn a worrying red, and pretty black circles were exploding behind his eyes.)

It even had a little pitchfork to complete the whole demon-of-the-mind get-up.

And the little _bastard _was making _very _rude gestures at him, and was having great fun in insulting his mother.

Ron uttered an inhuman roar, and charged from behind the statue, intent on strangling the imaginary creature until it turned a nice shade of purple.

'RON, NO!' Harry yelled after him, but all Ron heard was the horrible taunts that little demon emitted. Ron dived down and snatched what Harry saw as a (For once) silent timetable, but Ron gave a cry of triumph when he snatched up the horrible creature who was still making very obscene gestures at him. The paper slipped in his hands, and so did the beast that shrunk to a perfect size to weave his way around Ron's hand like some horrible little snake. It even flickered through a range of gut-churning colours for Ron's displeasure.

But all Harry saw was an insane ginger teenager fumbling with a piece of paper.

'What _are _you doing, Ron?' He asked incredulously, his head tilted to one side with a look of serious misunderstanding look on his face.

'I'M GONNA' GET HIM, HARRY!' Ron snarled at the paper. 'DON'T YOU CALL MY MUM THAT!' He added in an anguished roar.

'Right…' Harry dragged the word out as much as possible; an accurate representation of his growing concern as Ron pulled out his wand and trained it on the limp piece of paper in his hand. Ron swayed on his feet, his eyes darting from left to right with an insane glint to them.

And then Harry discovered a very strange, very _new _fact when his worried eyes flickered on a spot just behind Ron's shuddering shoulder.

It appeared that the Sonic Screwdriver had somehow acquired powers of _levitation_.

It hung in a vertical position, just bobbing up and down on the spot all by itself. And Harry noticed that it was _very slowly _backing away, and it was obvious that it didn't want to draw any attention to itself.

Last time he checked, Harry hadn't found that metal had suddenly acquired powers of flight, or a desire to be inconspicuous.

So the conclusion he came to was this:

He had been very, very, very, _very _stupid. And let the Cloak play into someone's hands.

He reacted in an instant.

'SOMEONE'S GOT THE CLOAK!' Harry roared, throwing a finger in the floating Screwdriver's direction. He was partially relieved to find that he had successfully drawn Ron's attention from…whatever he was seeing to the Screwdriver, which had gone from its not-so-inconspicuous- bobbing to freezing stone dead in the air. Whoever was under Harry's Cloak, ('_My _Cloak!' Harry added in a hiss.) Knew they had been spotted.

'Ah.' The Sonic Screwdriver appeared to say.

No one moved.

Four heart beats stilled.

There was really only one thing to at this point.

'RUN!' The silver device yelled, and then it took off like a rocket down the corridors with a mad yell.

'GET HIM!' Harry roared, and charged after it. It swore at him, and seemed to put on extra speed as it skidded around the corner. Ron watched Harry turn the corner, shaking his fist after the Screwdriver.

'GIMME' MY CLOAK!' Came the distant yell.

Ron looked to the demon he held in his hand, looking slightly bewildered. Except it wasn't a demon any more.

It was a piece of paper.

And Ron felt slightly _silly_.

'Well…' He huffed to himself sheepishly. 'He _was_ reallyrude to my mum.'

'COME ON, RON!' Harry's even more distant yell came from the corridors. Ron's head snapped up towards the sound, and then looked down at the piece of paper.

'_Study smart, study hard, just do some work, you big tub of lard.' _It informed him sourly.

Ron's left eye twitched for a moment, but it then regained normality.

'Don't think this isn't over.' He promised it darkly, and then ruthlessly shoved it into his pocket. With one final look around to see if anyone had seen him converse with a piece of paper, he ran after Harry, his robes billowing out behind him.

And all was silent in that one corridor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

But in another one, not so far away from the said corridor, someone whacked his shin on one of those _bloody _statues again as he tore through the school, not knowing really _where_ he was going, let alone _looking_.

'GIVE. ME. BACK. MY. CLOAK!'

Running away from all sorts of things really does help make you _very fast _indeed.

**Not sure about the ending. I obviously can't be dramatic and funny at the same time. Dammit. Five reviews = next chapter.**


	3. Of Being Cornered and Vicious TimeTables

**Chapter three be up now! I got amazingly lazy with the end, but I am dead tired at quarter to tomorrow...so...meh.  
We have a confirmed case of swine flu at school! WOOOOO! I want it...and I don't. know. WHY.**

Chapter Three – Of Being Cornered and Vicious Time Tables

'DAMN YOUR INCONVIENTLY PLACED STATUES!' The Doctor growled, hopping on one foot for a moment as he nursed his unfortunate shin. The Cloak flapped around his ankle, and he very nearly dropped his prized Screwdriver when he heard footsteps coming up behind him.

'THAT'S _MY _CLOAK! GIVE IT BACK!' Harry Potter roared at the Screwdriver and the hopping ankle he could see. The sight of Harry whipping his wand out from within the folds of his robes gave the Doctor a burst of much needed adrenaline, and he took off down the corridor again. Harry swore _very_ loudly, and charged after him. Ron lumbered after him; he looked quite lost, but a faint concern for the situation that was unfolding was present on his freckled face.

The invisible Doctor hurtled into another corridor (This place was full of them.), and it offered him a choice of two directions to go down.

'Right or left?!' The Doctor hissed, looking each way as he said it, toying with many ideas of what he would find in either direction. Hollering paintings? Books that screamed? More inconveniently placed statues?

He didn't have too long to decide.

A poorly aimed spell whizzed past the Doctor's head and hit the opposite wall. There was a horrible sounding bang, and an onslaught of dust was thrown into his face. The Doctor spluttered as he breathed it, and put his hand over his mouth and nose to shield them from the dust. When the clouds cleared, the Doctor opened his eyes, and his heart sank when he saw the newly redecorated wall.

A huge hole had been made, and the wall surrounding it had been blackened by the sheer force of the spell. The hole smouldered quietly to itself, and small particles of rock fell from the edges.

'That's…_not good_.' The Doctor reasoned, stepping forward to gaze at the hole. 'Actually, correction.' He added, clearing his throat in a self-important sort of way. 'Crazed teenagers with magic wands and talking pieces of paper _and _me with their cloak equals…very, very, very, _very bad_ for me.'

Another spell whizzed past, and it landed to the left of the first hole. Stone was thrown everywhere, and the Doctor had just about enough time to throw his arms over his face. When the stone cleared, another _very clear _demand for the return of Harry's cloak echoed from somewhere behind him.

The Doctor looked at where the second spell had landed.  
He reasoned for about a second.

'RIGHT!' He yelled, and ran down the said direction without anymore reasonable thought.

Harry hurtled into the spot where the Doctor had once stood, and looked wildly from left to right.

He wouldn't known that the Doctor had chosen right if he hadn't spotted one little thing that the Doctor had forgotten.

He was quite tall.

And the Cloak wasn't _quite _the right size for tall people.

And so bright red Converses could be seen running down the right hand side corridor, with absolutely no body attached to them.

And that did give Harry some clues.

'IT'S THAT BLOODY DOCTOR BLOKE!' Harry roared, his anger growing from quite dangerous to the anger of a _raging maniac_. How _dare _he nick his Cloak?! 'HE'S GOT THE CLOAK, RON!' Harry said it a little louder, just in case Ron hadn't heard him the first time.

Ron hadn't heard him the first time.

Because all the little voices in his head were all talking at once and he couldn't hear much else. They all reassured him that he _wasn't _going completely mental, and the walls were _meant _to be changing colours rapidly. But they were giving him a headache. And it was _bloody _painful one, too.

'Yeah…coming Harry…' He murmured, and followed Harry's rapidly multiplying figure down the corridor as he took off after the Doctor.

And the said Doctor very nearly ran into a wall. He staggered backwards, and looked around him for an exit route.

There weren't any. And this was most unhelpful.

'No, no, no!' The Doctor roared pitifully. 'Come on! I'll be exterminated! I'll be deleted! But I don't want to be _zapped _by some hormone charged teenager!' He added. He smacked his fists on the wall he had encountered through the Cloak; desperate to get out of what seemed to be his imminent doom.

'I want my Cloak back.' A voice said darkly behind him.

The Doctor turned slowly, and met Harry Potter's eye. His wand was trained on where he stood, and his chest heaved in anger. The Scar on his head suddenly seemed more potent then ever.

The Doctor had no weapons. (As ever.)

But there was his wit.

He opened his mouth to speak, but the said wit fled to the back of his brain in a panic, screaming, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! YOU DO IT!"

So the Doctor faltered for a moment.

'You can't see me.' He reasoned pathetically.

'Yes I can.' Was Harry's quick reply. 'I can see your feet.'

The Doctor looked down, and saw his red trainers grinning innocently up at him, seeming to have no idea that they had _completely _betrayed him.

'Ah.' He said.

And, knowing that he was completely and utterly cornered, he removed the Cloak. Harry snarled at his sudden visibility, and lifted his wand higher.

The Time Lord had very clearly wound the teenage wizard up.

'Now…' The Doctor said slowly, holding up one hand in submission while the other held the Cloak limply by his side. 'There is a perfectly good explanation for all this…'

'Go on then. _Surprise me._' Harry growled, with the look of a menace in his eyes. Something within the Doctor bristled with anger, and it suddenly was entertaining very satisfying images of Harry's painful demise.

'Oh, alright then! You stole my Screwdriver…' The Doctor snapped, waving the said device in Harry's general direction. 'AND I BLOODY WELL TOOK IT BACK!' He finished in a mad shout.

'Not good enough!' Harry roared, lifting his wand higher.

The Doctor growled at him, and was preparing to stare him down when he caught sight of a ginger haired mess over Harry's rigid shoulder.

Ron had staggered into view, holding his head as he sunk up against the wall, moaning at the voices in his head to just _piss off_.

'S'your mate alright?' The Doctor asked Harry, motioning to the suffering Ron. Harry's attention turned to Ron for one moment, and his eyes widened at his clearly ill friend.

Realising that Harry wasn't about to make the move, the Doctor stalked past him, heading to help Ron.

'I still want my Cloak.' Harry said, as if he was a stubborn toddler.

The Doctor turned smartly on his heel, and marched back to Harry with a dark look.

'_Have it then._' He hissed, and shoved it into his arms. Harry staggered backwards with a surprised look. The Doctor glared at him for a moment, and then turned away.

And Harry suddenly realised he didn't really want the Cloak that much any more. And he also felt rather sheepish.

'Ronald…?' The Doctor gently asked the black-robed heap on the floor. It had curled up in on itself, and it rocked back and forth as it held its head in its hands.

'It's Ron.' Harry called out hopefully, suddenly eager to earn the Doctor's trust. He found that he still yet to gain it when the Doctor threw him a glare over his shoulder. Harry squirmed underneath its intensity. 'That's just his name.' He said defensively.

The Doctor turned back to Ron.

'Ron…?' He tried.

'It won't stop _talking_…' The ginger-haired huddle murmured. 'It won't shut up…'

'What won't?' The Doctor asked gently, kneeling down so they were at eye level. Ron lifted his head to send him a nervous look, but then put it back in his hands.

'The time tables…' Ron croaked, and sent his pocket a fearful look. The demons lurked in there…

'The time tables?' The Doctor asked, incredulous. 'How are the time tables doing this?'

Ron fumbled in his pocket with shaking fingers to extract the hated time table. It was creased and slightly worse for wear, but Ron still shoved it into the Doctor's hand fiercely.

'Just _listen _to it!' He insisted shakily. 'Just _listen_…'

'Alright.' The Doctor promised him, resting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Ron gave him a feverish nod, hugged his knees and rested his face on them as he continued to rock back and forth.

The Doctor sent him a concerned look, and then turned to hold up the time table to the light.

It was a faded piece of parchment, with times and names of studies written in immaculately neat handwriting. Each curve of every letter was equally detailed as the next, and each time and date had been written with a careful maliciousness.

Now, it is a well known fact that when human kind becomes angry, it will often develop a tendency to be quite snappish and hurl horrible insults at unsuspecting fellow members.

The same goes for Time Lords.  
And also for enchanted time tables. Except they like to rhyme.

The piece of paper shuddered within the Doctor's hand, before it took in a deep breath and spoke.

'_Ooh, you may have brains, but brawn you do not. Piss off and study, you insufferable clot.' _It snapped at him.

Ron uttered a harsh sounding cry as the rocking increased, and the Doctor held the thing away from him as far as he could.

'Oh good _God_, that's awful! Why are you so rude?! There's no need to be _that_ rude at all!' The Doctor reasoned at it.

'We've tried everything!' Harry put in. 'So that's why we nicked…that thing there.' He motioned at the Sonic Screwdriver in the Doctor's hand.

'Oh. This thing?' He waved it proudly at Harry. 'S'the Sonic Screwdriver.'

'Sonic…_Screwdriver_?!' Harry asked, incredulous.

'Yeah. Sonic Screwdriver.' The Doctor affirmed absently, resuming his disapproving frown at the parchment.

Harry shook his head. 'Screwdrivers don't need to be sonic.' He reasoned.

'This one does. Now shut up.'

Harry shut his mouth with a very hurt look.

'You'll make it stop, right?!' Ron asked the Doctor. 'You'll make it stop?!'

'I'll give it a try.' The Doctor reassured him with a five million watt-grin. 'As long as you promise not to listen to the little people in your head anymore. Can you do that for me?'

Ron hesitated for a moment, and then gave him a small nod.

'Great!' The Doctor exclaimed, and promptly helped Ron to his feet. He swayed on the spot for a moment, before seeming to regain his balance.

'Right! What did you try last time?' The Doctor asked, very much taking control of things. There was a quest unfolding, and he would take on a Dalek with only a fluffy pink bunny to defend him, rather than missing the opportunity to be the boss of something.

'Well…' Harry stuttered. 'There's this giant…squid, in the lake, you see...' He tried to explain, but found that the Doctor had held up a hand to stop him.

'You've got a _squid_? In a _lake_?' The Doctor asked him.

'Yes.'

'Paintings that move?'

'Yes…'

'Birds that like to combust randomly?'

'Yes, but I don't see how that's gonna' help solve anything…'

'_I LOVE THIS PLACE!_' The Doctor exclaimed loudly, as if he hadn't heard Harry's last enquiry at all. Ron started slightly at the noise.

'Anyway, you were saying?' The Doctor suddenly ploughed forward without any word of warning.

Harry considered him for a moment, wondering if it would be safer to grab Ron and run out of this man's immediate five mile radius, but reasoned he might look very silly if he did that. So he continued. (Warily.)

'We tried to feed the time tables to it…it didn't really want them that much…and so it spat them –…'

'RIGHT! We're going to the lake!' The Doctor said over Harry's small explanation of why people _shouldn't _try to feed the giant squid things it probably wouldn't like, and marched down the nearest branch of corridor without looking back once.

The two boys rocked on their heels awkwardly for a moment. Ron spoke up suddenly.

'Umm…Doctor?'

'What?!' Demanded a distant Doctor.

'The lake's this way…' Ron pointed over the back of his shoulder. Harry hid his grin as the Doctor marched back past them, as if nothing had happened at all. Although he held his head a little too high.

'We're going to the lake!' He said again, with a lot more confidence than he had used last time.

Ron and Harry let him pass, and then followed him with equally wide grins.

And Ron realised that he suddenly felt slightly better about life after all.

**Coming up ... The Doctor may gain a slightly larger-than-life pet. Not promising anything, though. Five reviews, peoples!**


	4. Of Affectionate Squid and Banana Lovers

**Not sure about this one. Tell me what you think.**

Chapter Four – Of Affectionate Squid and Banana Lovers

The sun's rays cast a warm and friendly atmosphere on the grounds of Hogwarts, and birds chirped in the numerous trees that were located within them.

And down the stone steps that were set in a hill came a Time Lord who had a mission, and two teenage boys who were quite happy that they had found someone who was obviously clever enough to destroy the _horrible _little time tables that were dictating the pitiful amount of free time they had.

And just beyond them lay an ordinary looking lake. Ah, but an ordinary lake it was not. For it contained a beastie so horrible, so timorous that only the foolish swam within the lake. And even when the foolish did swim in the fateful waters, it would most probably be the result of some awful dare by friends who were actually too scared to go in for a dip themselves.

The horrible, timorous beastie in question was, in fact, an overly affectionate squid who just wanted a bit of company. It gets lonely, being an oversized squid. This is because you take up most of the room in your house, so there isn't any space for anyone else to stay for a while.

So when people _do _drop in for a visit, you'll want to keep them there.

When swimming in the giant lake, people do recommend you grow gills. You'll be staying there for a while.

But the need for _silence _in their free periods was beginning to nag at Ron and Harry like an old aunt who keeps hinting that you should do the washing for her. So they decided _not to mention it _to the Doctor, who was leading them down the steps with the unmistakeable air of one who is overly confident and arrogant.

Ron and Harry quietly mused that it would certainly be amusing.

'Right!' The Doctor called to them, hardly bothering to turn around. Ron and Harry were lucky to hear the word, for the wind was such a tempest that it snatched the word from his mouth and carried it away, cackling quietly to itself while adding a small bluster of triumph. It ruffled the hair of all present for kicks before it departed again.

'That lake there, yeah?!' The Doctor asked.

Again, the words were hard to hear, and both Harry and Ron had to strain to listen to them. They managed to catch the words, "Lake" and "There?" so they gave a confirming nod. It seemed to satisfy him.

'Good!' And then he was off again, bounding down the stone steps like a small puppy with oodles of energy. Harry and Ron followed at an excited and apprehensive trot.

The lake was clear of students who were usually present at the lake, trying to tip one another in or daring each other to go for a skinny dip, which meant that the Doctor could stroll along right to the water's edge and peer into its murky depths. They didn't offer much hope; the water was coloured a vile green and, quite frankly, it _stank_. A brief expression of disgust made a frown form on his face and his nose crinkle up, but it was soon gone again.

'Where's this big squid of yours, then?' The Doctor demanded from Harry and Ron, who both rocked on their heels as they stood on what they considered to be the safest point on the lakeside. _As far away from it as possible_.

'Oh, he's in there somewhere.' Harry assured him.

'Yeah!' Ron added, determined not to be left out of things. 'I wouldn't stand _too _close, if I were you.'

'Nah, I'm alright. It can't be _that _big, can it?' The Doctor scoffed, throwing Ron and Harry a look over his shoulder that clearly suggested he had a lot of faith in himself. Ron and Harry exchanged looks of doubt when the Doctor turned back.

'Where are ya' then?!' He called out to the lake. The wind that the trio that they had left on the hill made an unexpected appearance, and it roared in the three pairs of ears, effectively muting any other sounds. The Doctor grumbled to himself, and bent down swiftly to snatch a pebble that was minding its own business. He threw it in, and the water gave an appreciative gurgle as it claimed the small stone for its own.

Now, when you're sitting at home watching the television, or even sleeping, the last thing that you want is someone throwing a great ruddy brick through your window and hitting you on the head. Not only would it annoy you, it would bloody well hurt a lot, too.

The same goes for giant squids.

This one was sleeping until a pebble was hurled into its home, sinking through the water at an unstoppable pace. Bubbles swirled up to the surface as the hole that had been made in the water closed up again, and the poor, unassuming little pebble landed on the squid's throbbing head with a muted thud. The poor, giant thing roared in agitation as the pebble bounced off his squishy head and came to rest on the lake's floor, never to return to the surface.

Let's return to the whole brick-through-your-window scenario again.

So, a brick has just been chucked through your window and onto your head. You're angry…actually, you're bloody _livid_, and you would rather like to smack whoever did that to your window and your head straight in the face.

The same goes for giant squids.

With one swish of its numerous tentacles, it rose like a great blimp with an angry look in its wide eyes and a considerably sorer head, gently lifting itself upwards until it poked the top of its head through the water. The said water rippled off the squid's head as it broke through the surface of the water and running back into the lake.

The squid had a few beliefs. There weren't many of them, but they were as equally as important as any human beliefs.

And the squid believed, very firmly indeed, that purple had _never _gone with green. It sucked as a colour combination.

The squid was green. And there was a nice purple bruise forming on its head.

And that was just about the last straw.

It snorted into the water, creating two identical fountains of anger. Its tentacles were dragged through the water to swirl above its head. The squid knew that it made you look a lot more threatening if you waved your numerous limbs above your head. And it fixed the man in the long brown coat the angriest stare it could muster.

And the man was quite clearly surprised.

'I thought you'd be…smaller.' He reasoned pathetically, unable to take his eyes from the squid, which gave another angry snort.

The Doctor didn't know much about a-lot-bigger-than-he-thought-they'd-be-squids. But he did know a lot about humans. Well, if you looked like one, it was handy to know a few human customs and tricks.

And one trick he knew was this: _Flattery. _You've insulted someone? Tell them you look great in those jeans. You're being rude again? Say something nice about the living room, kitchen, or research space station you've innocently wondered into.

Ah, but the Doctor didn't have to lie this time. Because he thought the squid's unexpected size was just about the _best thing _he had seen in this place so far.

'_Aw!_' He told it. 'Aren't you just the _best _thing?!'

The squid, with the pebble and the rudeness suddenly forgotten, gave a happy gurgle. People didn't usually tell it that it was the "Best Thing". They were usually screaming at it to let them go before they drowned. But not necessarily in that order.

The Doctor continued to coo at it, grinning madly.

'Aw, who's a good…thing, then?!' He said in that voice that people seem to think is the only voice that babies can understand. 'Who's a gorgeous squid?! Yes you are!'

As the squid uttered more squeaks of enjoyment, Harry and Ron exchanged more looks. These ones were of pure shock.

'How the _bloody _hell does he do it?!' Ron whispered.

'Dunno'!' Harry answered truthfully. 'He's _mental_!'

As the Doctor continued to throw flattering suggestions at the squid, he carefully reached into his coat's inner pockets to bring out the two timetables that were grumbling at him in rhyming couplets.

'What do you think of these then, hey? Lovely, _yummy _time tables to eat, hmm?' he suggested, waving the pieces of parchment at it.

But the squid had seen something _much _more interesting than rubbish and not very tasty pieces of talking parchment. It had caught a glimpse of a yellow fruit in the Doctor's pocket.

The squid's fondness for bananas had begun a couple of years ago, on a sunny afternoon in the middle of June. A young couple had bunked off their classes to spend time together by the lake, happily tucking into a lunch they had obviously pinched from the kitchens. The squid had been content in watching them from a patch of water reeds, and had plucked up the courage to wave a tentacle in hello.

The couple ran off screaming, and left all but one half eaten banana behind. Wallowing in its own misery, the squid had snatched it from the lake side and disappeared to eat it in a very depressed manner.

It had rather liked the taste of the fruit. It had liked it very much indeed.

And it wanted the banana _quite a lot_.

A tentacle lashed out of the water, not quite at the speed of light but coming pretty damn close. There was a humongous _splash _as it seized the Doctor around the waist and dragged him into the depths of the lake, giving a series of victorious squeaks. A suddenly rather panicky Ron and Harry heard the Doctor protest, "OI!" before he completely disappeared from view.

'OH GOD BLOODY HELL!' Ron swore as he and Harry pelted towards the side of the lake, wands drawn and aimed at the surface. The time tables had been forgotten; they had fluttered to the floor in the surprise attack. They remained quiet (For once), silently savouring some sort of smug glory.

'BRING HIM BACK! COME ON!' Harry roared, shuffling as close to the surface as he dared to. 'THAT'S NOT FAIR!'

A few unhelpful bubbles came into view before they hit the surface. They popped when they did reach the surface with a few _bloops _of content.

And that was about it.

Unless you count the Time Lord who was thrown from the lake at several hundred miles an hour with a simple flick of a enormous tentacle. The Doctor sailed through the air (Ron and Harry managed to duck at the last moment) and landed sprawled on the grass, chest heaving as he took in much needed air. A few seconds passed, and Harry and Ron stared at the Doctor in utter bewilderment as he scrambled to his feet and stormed to the edge of the lake, an extremely angry look on his face and a good rant in his throat.

'GIVE ME BACK MY BANANA!' He roared at the tentacles, one of which was holding the already peeled banana. The squid was disappearing out of sight, quite content in the thought that it had had a good day. 'NO ONE SHOULD TAKE A MAN'S BANANA!' He added in a defeated yell as the last madly waving tentacle disappeared from sight.

And the Doctor did look quite dreadful.

He was dripping wet; water dripped faster than the human eye can keep track of, seeming to be fuelled by some endless drip supply. His hair that was usually so full of life seemed depressed; it hung around his face in the most unappealing way. His coat was a lot darker, and his shoulders drooped under the weight of the water that was trapped in the fabric.

Have you ever experienced a situation with a friend that is just so hilarious that you _know _you can't look at your friend without bursting into fits of manic laughter? You know that the person you're laughing about will probably cotton on to the fact that you're both laughing at him or her when you're both on the floor and failing to breathe?

Harry and Ron made that fatal mistake, and met each other's eye.

'IT'S NOT. FUNNY!' The Doctor roared at them both as they both burst into laughter, manic tears beginning to spill from their eyes. Harry made some attempt to hold himself up while Ron gave in completely, falling to the floor as his laughter became silent and painful gasps.

'BUT IT TOOK MY BANANA!' The Doctor yelled again, throwing out an accusing finger at the lake, water droplets flying off the end of it.

And that did it for Harry.

He joined Ron on the ground in fits of manic laughter, his lungs crying out for air as he began to run out of it. Ron's laughter seemed to magically renew itself with every gasping breath he took in.

'STOP LAUGHING AT ME!' The Doctor snapped at them both. And when they ignored him, he snatched up the timetables (Who were also cackling) and stormed off, his trainers squelching with every step he took.

'Where you going?' Harry gasped at him, managed to sit upright. Ron mimicked him, wiping the tears from his eyes while continuing to giggle quietly.

'I'm going to find a tree!' The Doctor yelled back over his shoulder. He thrust his hands deep within his trouser pockets, as if he was trying to keep what was left of his dignity within them. It wasn't working, and the said dignity was sobbing to itself in his wake.

'Tree?' Ron questioned, suddenly serious.

The tree in question was quite well known throughout Hogwarts. When people spoke of this tree, they added a shudder and a tearful eye for emphasis.

The tree was known as the Whomping Willow.

Named so because it was a willow tree. With an exceedingly _bad temper_. No one agitated the Whomping Willow unless they weren't right in the head or suicidal. Or both.

And it appeared that the Doctor was about to do something _extremely _stupid.

'THE WHOMPING WILLOW?!' Harry yelled. He didn't know _how _the Doctor had become aquainted with the said tree, but he knew that it would most probably have been a frosty (and painful) meeting.

But it seemed the Doctor had made it out alive. Which meant that he had managed to best the tree somehow.

The Whomping Willow never forgot a face. Especilly those who had escaped its clutches.

The Whomping Willow _always won_. Maybe not the first time, maybe not the second...or ninth time. But it would eventually win.

It was a rather worrying fact.

The Doctor didn't reply to Harry, and seemed to walk quicker. Probably trying to get away from the place that had flattered his dignity, and then stuck its foot out to trip it up.

The fall had been rather catastrophic. And rather wet.

Harry and Ron scrambled to their feet and ran to keep up with the Doctor, trying to persuade him from storming into his imminent doom. The Time Lord ignored them with a stony look on his face, which was somewhat funny by the way the pond water continued to drop off his hair.

And, behind them, a considerably happier squid finished off his pride with an appreciative squeak, and decided that people who threw stones into its house weren't so bad after all. As long as they wore long brown coats and had oodles of bananas on their persons.

**NEXT TIME: The Doctor VS the Whomping Willow!**


End file.
